Noah, a preschooler, throws a fit every time mom tries to drop him at his dad’s apartment. Six-year-old Emma refuses to get in mom’s car as soon as Emma sees mom’s new boyfriend sitting in the driver’s seat. Ashley, a usually good-natured tween, cusses out her dad on the sidewalk and won’t get into the car. Fourteen-year-old Mateo barricades himself in his room upstairs when it’s time to go to his mom’s house. The names in these scenes are fictional; the events are not.
What we are talking about here is estrangement: a child resisting time with one parent, or choosing to cut off a parent altogether.
Why the Children Lash Out
In a contest pitting a child custody schedule mediated by parents or dictated by a court order, against an estranged child who had limited or no say in the outcome, who will win? Often, nobody wins. For parents embroiled in child custody disputes, estranged children raise intense feelings and often prompt bitter litigation.
In a child custody case, estrangement can occur for many reasons. Let’s take a closer look at our opening scenes:
Does Noah’s tantrum reflect parental alienation[1] – or ordinary toddler separation anxiety?
Is Emma’s reaction to seeing mom’s new boyfriend a nonverbal protest of her parents’ breakup—or does it signal Emma’s fears about how she will fit into new relationships her parents are starting?
Is Ashley’s anger at her dad the result of past emotional or psychological abuse – or disappointment that neither of her parents can afford fancy brands and costly toys she used to get before her dad’s affair precipitated the breakup?
Is Mateo’s refusal to spend time with mom a consequence of mom’s substance abuse or mental health issues that he doesn’t have bandwidth to deal with—or garden-variety teenage rebellion over a schedule he had no part in making?
What Can the Parents Do?
To what extent the non-estranged parent should enforce access between an estranged child and the other parent—or stand aside—is a tough question. Violation of a court order may result in a finding of contempt and sanctions. Strict enforcement might destroy a child’s only positive parent-child relationship. Whether conduct encouraged estrangement, or helped repair the broken relationship, might be the difference between a finding of contempt or a dismissal.
Whether any of these scenarios warrant a change in child custody access arrangements is a thorny task for all involved: parents, lawyers, mental health care providers, and—when all else fails—judges.
Before heading to the courthouse to contest child custody, parents can access counseling for themselves and for the estranged child to attempt reconciliation. They can also try mediation. Establishing open communication channels between parents and, depending on the child’s age and maturity, between parent and estranged child, can sometimes bridge the gap. Guidance and support by both legal and mental health professionals may avoid the emotional and financial toll of litigation.
Modification of Child Custody
The legal standard in Maryland for modification of child custody is whether there has been a material change in circumstances affecting the welfare of the child. Once a material change in circumstances is established, the court tries to ascertain the “best interests of the child.”
In estrangement cases, often the court will call upon additional resources to investigate, evaluate and resolve the situation. The court might appoint a “best interest attorney” (a lawyer appointed by a court for the purpose of protecting a child’s best interests, without being bound by the child’s directives or objectives ) or a “child advocate attorney” (a lawyer appointed by a court to provide independent legal counsel for a child). In addition, the court can order (a) a full custody evaluation, (b) a more limited assessment or specific issue evaluation, or (c) a mental health evaluation. These services are provided by mental health professionals with expertise in child custody matters.
What’s Best for the Child?
The causes and remedies for estrangement in child custody cases are among the most difficult issues to disentangle. The search in these cases for “the best interests of the child” often comes down to the best guess of parents, mental health care providers, lawyers, and judges, all striving to promote healthy co-parenting and family relationships.
[1] Parental alienation is “a strategy whereby one parent intentionally displays to the child unjustified negativity aimed at the other parent, for the purpose of damaging the child’s relationship with the other parent and turning the child’s emotions against that other parent.” https://www.ncsc.org/__data/assets/pdf_file/0014/42152/parental_alienation_Lewis.pdf
